SOUND AND VISION

It was a very inspiring day for me...
It was just a PERFECT DAY, so I have some Tellings for you...


I decided I should relief some of the creative tension and put some words down, so I make a little bit of space to allow the new adventures enter my writer's mind and find their way to the paper....Or should I say...Screen... It all starts with her crawling in our bed, reaching for me to wake me up with a giggle, pinching my cheek... How can you not love the new day after 3 hours of sleep????? You just run on Blood Buzz

People left their worries behind and opened their hearts for us, joined us in celebrating our daughter's 6 months long presence in this beautiful world, that woke up with an intention to show off the bursting sunlight today for some reason :) Suddenly, the gray from the last week became All The Colors...

Honestly, I had vivid imagination of God - being this alive endless ocean that disturbs the core of the universe which in my imagination is just a bubble in the water... And so the sun and the moon and the stars and the winds seemed to have some pact and decided to be joyously spreading all the vivid colors around us...
There were the most beautiful Blue Skies above us.
Californian winter sun was so low on the horizon, bringing amazing light that bounced so softly through the leafy crowns of the majestic old trees in the park.. The lush fields of Green Grass all around us...
Clear lake water that sparkles when the colorful little ducks decide to swim and disturb the quietness of the water. Lots of children running in the distance and our little ones, making little rainbows with their cute outfits. Lots of cute noises... Some mama, dada, tata.... One "mama" was addressed to me :)))

All Is Full Of Love and Common People...

I enjoyed like never before to introduce my Little One to the park that I spent the last couple of hours with her still dancing in my belly... I have been imagining her always dancing... Now I see her always dancing, and my eyes become permanently gently wrinkled in the corners because I can't stop secretly smiling for having my little ballerina I have created inside me...

Today I was watching mini me all day smiling to everyone and everything, as if was the main key for her survival... As one mom said today: "I was drooling over her!!!" Fade into her... And she taught me one simple truth...There is no path to happiness, no agenda, no knowledge that takes you there.... You just let happiness in... Let Love In...

The Night came just like some sky tenants spread a dark sheet over our building...... But sleep won't come... I felt like I need to go to this sacred place inside of me... I looked and found chaos.... But it felt nice to see the diversity of my little passions still there...
Who will take my dreams away???
I have a slowly dancing mind right now, that constantly scans the music I've collected in my memory and replenishes the creator's power... This time I needed to build this bridge between music and writing I guess... capture the images in a song, and vice versa ...I also might sum it all in filming later in life maybe, as the absolute medium for my screaming loud momentum.. Until I get there, I am making little baby steps, so I have composed a song for her with silly lyrics of course, I will share it as soon as I record it...

I will end this post with something that always puts me where I belong when I'm Deranged.

I read it again tonight...
"Why one writes is a question I can never answer easily, having so often asked it of myself. I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live. I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me – the world of my parents, the world of war, the world of politics. I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by living. That, I believe, is the reason for every work of art.
...
"We also write to heighten our own awareness of life. We write to lure and enchant and console others. We write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely … When I don’t write, feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in prison. I feel I lose my fire and my color. It should be a necessity, as the sea needs to heave, and I call it breathing."
...Anais Nin quotes...

Good night my beloved audience, enjoy your dreamland....

Mother's Love

This role I am trying to fit in, this "being a happy mama" takes a sky, an ocean, all the air I can suck in, all the water and food that becomes me, and art and words and music that becomes what I know or feel. I have been taken to a place unknown to my spirit, introduced to a new deep feeling, so I would like to share the experience. I have to go several steps back to begin with...
We all keep and experience some form of perfection as an idea that belongs to our beautiful minds. As a goal. Very often we have an ideal scenario for ourselves created with perfect attention to become a perfect parallel universe of ours. We are a main character or main audience that admires a perfect object of desire. Either way we enjoy going there from time to time, adding some more little (of course) perfect details to the whole picture... All serves the process "getting as close as possible to the beauty itself" and all the moments when we have some of that beauty in the palms of our hands become the marks of our life happiness. Sometimes we just carry some intense vivid feeling about it... Usually it is something that matched our ideas, or dreams, or just made immense breathtaking impression because the experience was way beyond our imagination....
I discovered some other perfection, which is silent and somehow present in the background of my breathing... I've found it inside of me thanks to my womanly nature that let me do the engineering of a new human being. It lasted maybe all my life, but the biological part lasted for 40 weeks... So, that's how long it took for me to see my master piece of my life, to meet HER, My Precious... She is as close as I can get to creating something perfect. She is the ultimate source of pure emotions, the one church of my unconditional giving....Magnet for my sensors.
I couldn't understand this kind of love, despite of all I have read and heard...

So, this silent perfection is emotional and spiritual... Invisible but more present then anything in the world... At a glance, everything lacks the perfection on the outside. Everything!!! Let me bring you closer to the scenery... Me - a new mom, figuring out everything in mothering all by myself, for the first time... Can be lovely and scary, and both... And I am with significantly smaller brain now, dedicated only to my baby needs, and even with my limited responsibilities sometimes I just run around the house like crazy not knowing where or why or what I am going to... I might be warming up the diapers and bringing coffee to the baby, or having a sip of my own milk from her bottle... Sometimes I trash the bills and keep the dirty wipes in the pile of "important documents" along with our passports and vizas... But OK, it happens, right..I mean...Right!?????
The whole house is messy, He is away, me and Her are alone in the house full of dirty laundry, baby books, cups of coffee, some toys, His toys and gadgets...tons of trash around... termites in the walls... We live our uncertain little lives, day to day, today was the cleaning day. everything you can imagine was dirty...... The baby might stink like sour milk, and her face is all with chocolate icecream....And me - I guess I have her spit up on my shoulder.... My dress is all worn out with some colorful stains here and there, from my everyday life though... Sometimes you can tell what's for dinner cause you can find decent portion of it on my dress...I might even have several bread crumbles chunks hanging on my sleeves... And yes, my hair is half fallen off, and half dread-locking... And my skin is so dry I scratch my hand by touching my face, and my under-eye circles look like I have been beaten up to death... And the whole body is itchy too because of the dried salt from my sweat.... AND ALL OF IT...IT really doesn't matter at all in the end, cause this is the end:
I might have these two dry wasted hands, but they are soooooo full of ENDLESS JOY...I am holding this little whole person high up in the air, and she is laughing so hard... I sing to My Precious and she responds with these cutest giggles and wide gummy smiles and such a delightful laughter... And her eyes shine of purity and happiness... So, how can I NOT FEEL PERFECT??? I AM, Mother's love inside of me is perfect and erases any imperfection on me and around me...
How can I not be proud??? Proud to be given a chance to become a sweet mother, proud I have created this amazing human being...Then proud of every stretch mark my pregnancy left on me, proud of my fat rolls and soon sagging breasts, proud of my newborn inner beauty that shines away and is more powerful than any entity known to me.
I gave birth to My Precious, and she gave birth to THE MOTHER'S LOVE INSIDE OF ME that moves me to move the world and really make it a better place...

Aux I: THE SCREAM

"The mind and emotions are auxiliary to each other. Passion is auxiliary to art" This statement was used in defining "auxiliary". I liked it a lot.
I wanna scream very often... out of joy, out of infinite sadness, out of emptiness or fullness... I have always suffered from intensity... I wanna scream here.
I would love to make this AUX of mine important and and full of sense. It would become an open gate to this different reality that is existing inside of me. Every visit here would be simply diving into the process of creating sounds, visions or words. I need visitors though, just to at least walk through what I have already built in this brand new untouchable world, so they help it staying real.
I would completely let the theory of probability to take its place here. I would let all of the fantasies develop and grow or die independently. Sometimes though, i wish I get out of there with a real object of expression.
Everything I was ever creating was never final, the process is never-ending, going on now in the background of this thought... One timeless symphony. My goal here is to cut some pieces, make simple edits of this symphony, extract the beauty and let it be listened to, served. I am tired of putting too much essence and too much nothingness in front of me myself as the audience. I can never deal with "too much"... So help me, grab a piece....
The days are really bright when I am inspired and able to transform the energy that gets to me into music, or drawing or story... Or just another role I will be continuously playing all my life, bringing it as closer to perfection as I can...
But here are gray days, and even black days...Sometimes I just get stuck into myself, chasing my own tale. The play never ends, emotions are locked inside, and the tension makes my breathing process too difficult... Looking for myself inside of myself, being totally blind to recognize the woman in the mirror, the woman who speaks, the woman who makes love, the woman who cleans the house, cooks, dances, sings... The woman who gave birth...
Sometimes I need the others so desperately... Need other worlds to jump into, to enjoy other dreamer's self-expressions... I wanna feel invited to their worlds, to feel their souls, to hear them, to see them, to even judge and love them maybe let them love me as their audience...I shamelessly admit I need them as much as I need to be heard, read, seen, touched, felt, judged.
MY ADDICTION TO MUSIC HAS GONE TOO FAR THOUGH. I feel like sometimes I am too weak because of it, and easily manipulated by the music that I love... I have spent too much time being trapped in a song...LOOOOOOVE IT....

Despite of it all, knowing that music itself is a reason enough to live for, I am trying to introduce my Little Precious One to this beautiful perfect world of sounds: noises, voices, songs, albums, soundtracks...

She is amazing artist since she was born. I am the witness of the moment she took the first breath and then engaging her whole little pink body she let the air out through her lungs, then the vocal folds, then all her little articulators got their first job in producing these highly intricate air disturbances that we hear as sound waves, and then they have their own frequency, wavelength and pitch and my Little One presented her unique tone of her voice! She was heard and admired for the first time! She produced such a loud scream, straight from the heart, amazed by the world she got into... GIANT CREATURES STARING AT HER - THE GREATEST MIRACLE, US - THE CREATORS IN TEARS OF JOY FOR HEARING HER VOICE, SEEING HER LITTLE PERFECT BODY, CLAPPING AT HER FIRST SHOW, her glorious screaming and crying. I was listening her as she was adding this perfect new harmony in the world.
HER FIRST BREATH SHOUTED OUT into a S C R E A M.
I guess that scream is the first piece of art we all have already known how to do so successfully that everybody is touched!!! Even some random strangers!!!

THE SCREAM! IT IS MAGIC THAT SHALL NEVER FADE...

I wanna scream like that again. I wanna mark this perfect world with my existence, somehow... Screaming!!!