This role I am trying to fit in, this "being a happy mama" takes a sky, an ocean, all the air I can suck in, all the water and food that becomes me, and art and words and music that becomes what I know or feel. I have been taken to a place unknown to my spirit, introduced to a new deep feeling, so I would like to share the experience. I have to go several steps back to begin with...
We all keep and experience some form of perfection as an idea that belongs to our beautiful minds. As a goal. Very often we have an ideal scenario for ourselves created with perfect attention to become a perfect parallel universe of ours. We are a main character or main audience that admires a perfect object of desire. Either way we enjoy going there from time to time, adding some more little (of course) perfect details to the whole picture... All serves the process "getting as close as possible to the beauty itself" and all the moments when we have some of that beauty in the palms of our hands become the marks of our life happiness. Sometimes we just carry some intense vivid feeling about it... Usually it is something that matched our ideas, or dreams, or just made immense breathtaking impression because the experience was way beyond our imagination....
I discovered some other perfection, which is silent and somehow present in the background of my breathing... I've found it inside of me thanks to my womanly nature that let me do the engineering of a new human being. It lasted maybe all my life, but the biological part lasted for 40 weeks... So, that's how long it took for me to see my master piece of my life, to meet HER, My Precious... She is as close as I can get to creating something perfect. She is the ultimate source of pure emotions, the one church of my unconditional giving....Magnet for my sensors.
I couldn't understand this kind of love, despite of all I have read and heard...
So, this silent perfection is emotional and spiritual... Invisible but more present then anything in the world... At a glance, everything lacks the perfection on the outside. Everything!!! Let me bring you closer to the scenery... Me - a new mom, figuring out everything in mothering all by myself, for the first time... Can be lovely and scary, and both... And I am with significantly smaller brain now, dedicated only to my baby needs, and even with my limited responsibilities sometimes I just run around the house like crazy not knowing where or why or what I am going to... I might be warming up the diapers and bringing coffee to the baby, or having a sip of my own milk from her bottle... Sometimes I trash the bills and keep the dirty wipes in the pile of "important documents" along with our passports and vizas... But OK, it happens, right..I mean...Right!?????
The whole house is messy, He is away, me and Her are alone in the house full of dirty laundry, baby books, cups of coffee, some toys, His toys and gadgets...tons of trash around... termites in the walls... We live our uncertain little lives, day to day, today was the cleaning day. everything you can imagine was dirty...... The baby might stink like sour milk, and her face is all with chocolate icecream....And me - I guess I have her spit up on my shoulder.... My dress is all worn out with some colorful stains here and there, from my everyday life though... Sometimes you can tell what's for dinner cause you can find decent portion of it on my dress...I might even have several bread crumbles chunks hanging on my sleeves... And yes, my hair is half fallen off, and half dread-locking... And my skin is so dry I scratch my hand by touching my face, and my under-eye circles look like I have been beaten up to death... And the whole body is itchy too because of the dried salt from my sweat.... AND ALL OF IT...IT really doesn't matter at all in the end, cause this is the end:
I might have these two dry wasted hands, but they are soooooo full of ENDLESS JOY...I am holding this little whole person high up in the air, and she is laughing so hard... I sing to My Precious and she responds with these cutest giggles and wide gummy smiles and such a delightful laughter... And her eyes shine of purity and happiness... So, how can I NOT FEEL PERFECT??? I AM, Mother's love inside of me is perfect and erases any imperfection on me and around me...
How can I not be proud??? Proud to be given a chance to become a sweet mother, proud I have created this amazing human being...Then proud of every stretch mark my pregnancy left on me, proud of my fat rolls and soon sagging breasts, proud of my newborn inner beauty that shines away and is more powerful than any entity known to me.
I gave birth to My Precious, and she gave birth to THE MOTHER'S LOVE INSIDE OF ME that moves me to move the world and really make it a better place...
